from The Miraculous Courageous

the books all quote my brain is wrong
say a disorder of neural development
say they don’t know exactly why
I’m not exactly right they’re wrong though
to say disordered when I’m more
ordered than anyone I know I know
sometimes the world is a trickysituation
to get just but maybe the world is
wrong sometimes the world that wants
to look me in the eye when I want to
look away when I want to say I know
my life more than you or nothing at all

 

in my first memory mom is crying
shaking me I don’t know why she was
crying but the tears feel almostnice
on my cheeks warm and soft and even
the shaking feels nice she is saying
something in my ear but it’s too close
to hear only never and love her hair
smells clean covering my face as she
lifts me up carried me into the car
the seatbelt rough against my neck
the stop lights going green yellow red

 

anthony says seahorses are gay but
really the males just carry the eggs
instead of females anthony doesn’t
know much about marine biology
but he’ll beat the shit he said out
of anyone who bothers me anthony
likes sharks any of numerous mostly
marine cartilaginous fishes because
they’re ridiculously badass with rows
and rows of razorteeth and aren’t
ever afraid anthony says seahorses
ain’t shit and for once he’s true

 

today we practice asking questions
how big is it is it green how does
that make you feel your turn she said
but I don’t want a turn don’twant
to ask questions that I could
just look the answers up on my own
but how do we look up the way
sally is feeling she says I don’t know
I said look up she says and see
for yourself can you please ask
a question why are we doing this I say

 

the moon is the ocean’s clock
mom says she said the world is
like a clock spinning too fast
but she knows that’s ridiculous
because the world spins so slow
you can’t even tell it’s spinning
she says a lot of ridiculous
things that I’m her baby boy
and stopthatpleasestopthat
and I wish you could understand
how I feel sometimes I do I said
I say you feel with your hands
yes she says yes of course you do

 

if divers shine waterlights on them
they remember back to shadows escape
into the coral or seagrass where if
they clench their eyes you won’t find
them I heard them yelling for me
so long I hid so well they yelled and
yelled but I shut my eyes and sat so
quiet so tight inside the toy chest
inside the dark inside my chest no lights
could even find me I coughed once
but the sirens were too loud to hear

 

in another memory my brother slips
his arm around my neck chokes
my throat to lift me off the floor look
at me he’s saying he’s yelling look
at me but the tracks aren’t quite
right quite straight so the train
the golden spike was driven may 1869
slipcatches each time it rounds
the bend the wheels spinning look
he says in my eyes in my eyes
he said holding my face in his hands
the train slipping again I can
fix it he says I’m gonna punch you
in the face if you don’t look at me
he said the train is off the tracks again

 

the bluffs are covered with names
of people I don’t know hearts
and plus signs scratched into
the windpackedsand with sticks
anthony carved SUCK IT six feet high
and after chucked rocks at birds
I wish you weren’t autistic sometimes
he says but at least you’re not
an asshole I didn’t say something back
I’ve learned it’s better that way
and besides the waves were too loud
a big storm coming in so we ran
home all the way with thunder
six seconds apart and quick locked
the door I didn’t mean it he said


Josh Booton is the author of “The Union of Geometry & Ash” (Bear Star Press, 2013).  His poems have appeared widely in such journals as The Missouri Review, Poetry Northwest, 32 Poems, Raleigh Review and elsewhere.  His second collection, The Miraculous Courageous, will be published this year by Free Verse Editions/ Parlor Press.